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Birth Control for Dummies

Kate could wring endless changes out of the most unpromising of material. And when she had a genuinely funny subject, there was no limit to how far she could go. This piece of "Women's Music" spins out so outrageously, our guest soloist, Rick O'Dell, had to stop several times to laugh while recording this. It's a great example of Kate's ability to be devilishly funny while still staying solidly human. PS: Kate is survived by two very much wanted children.

 

Rhythm Blues

 

 

By KATE WORLEY

Well my baby and me are so good for each other
I never dreamed I’d find such a perfect lover
But we have one little problem, maybe you have it too.
Since we weren’t yet ready to be Mom and Dad,
We looked at all the options that we had,
And now my baby and me are singing those Rhythm Blues.

The Pill was announced as the perfect cure,
Just as long as you were sure
To take it every day, it prevents ovulation with ease.
But besides possible stroke and other side effects
I lost all of my interest in sex.
Might as well just hold an aspirin between my knees.

The diaphragm gave me the strangest dreams,
All about little babies bouncing on tiny trampolines.

I had an IUD once, a Copper-7
Seemed like a solution sent from Heaven
It was out of mind, for it was placed where no one could see.
But at the airport, it set off the metal detector.
Had a hell of a time trying to tell the inspector
Just where I was concealing my weaponry.

Kinda liked the sponge, it made me feel so clean,
Only just one little problem, started getting all excited
When I’d get around a washing machine.

Then we went to a Natural Method lecture
Seemed like the almost perfect fertility detector
But it’s really not as easy as it might seem to you.
First you have to wake each day at the very same time,
Take your temperature and other things, and plot a line,
And I was never good at charts in school.

Now before we fool around we have to check all our charts,
Put coverings on all of our moving parts,
Coat everything with the human equivalent of DDT,
Hang the sacred amulet over the bed,
With the purest of thoughts inside our heads,
And now I’m tired, and I’d really just rather go to sleep.

Well, we tried everything from abstention to Zen
Tried ‘em once, and tried ‘em all again.
Now which would you rather have, a girl or a boy?
Though kids might keep us on the run,
Being childless isn’t being any barrel of fun.
I think I’d rather try a bundle of joy.

At least we wouldn’t have to hold hands for the duration,
And baby, after everything that we’ve been through,
Labor sounds like a vacation.

With all of the hassle and all of the grief,
Being Mom and Dad might be a great relief.
We could just try a little one, If we liked it maybe try two.
It’ll mean poverty, it’ll mean strife,
It’ll mean changing our whole way of life.
But at least we could stop singing those Rhythm Blues.

© 1988 by Kate Worley

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New Richland, MN 56072
email: rwaller@hickorytech.net

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